empty

today , i went to school . . i know i shouldn't , but my eyes scanned the dark morning . . hoping and in search of . . with still the little flame buring in me , that little hope , that i might see you at one of the corners . . but . . no . . it wants to extinguish but i whispered : no , maybe he might come back . . with a bottle of kerosene . . wait . . there's still hope . .

my heart sinked . i cried my heart out in the bus . people are staring at me . . me in my uniform . . a nurse so weak . . so so weak . . but i couldn't stop . . i couldn't . . it just hurts so much . . i need to take more than half an hour to calm myself down in the toilet . . i . . i . .

i'm so hungry . . but i just can't bring myself to eat . . no appetite . .

working was worse . . i really can't concentrate . . now and then i need to pretend . . that i'm okay . . then going to the washroom . . the moment the door is closed , i burst into tears . . i sat on the floor and just cried . i can't breathe . really can't breathe . . upteem times . . that's work for me today .

and i tried to think positive . . but you're there to tear the wound open again . . why ?

my heart is so heavy . . chest so tight . .
what am i suppose to do ? ? =(